Bring Me to Life
by Sami Sue
Summary: Jason asks Courtney to stay after Carly drugs him right before falling asleep, giving Courtney plenty of time to do some thinking. -- Short Story.


"I love you, you're my whole life." He told her as he greedily consumed her luscious lips. Weeks of holding everything in were finally pouring out uncontrollably. His hands dropped to her waist as we walked forward and she walked backward in an awkward dance. Come on Courtney, you have to pull away now. You have to be strong about this. Her mind was telling her, but she couldn't ignore the bliss overcoming her as she kissed him, her husband. If she didn't pull away soon - she wouldn't be able to at all. Her heart would take control. Was that a bad thing? She couldn't do this, not only to herself, but it wasn't fair to do this to him. She couldn't just let them get lost in such a kiss and then break his heart all over again. She didn't know if she could handle seeing any more tears in his eyes like she had in her room above Kelly's when he took off his wedding band. He had the right to take it off, she had taken off hers, but the knife that twisted in her heart was more than she could handle. She got through the toughest part - right? Actually getting the strength to leave. But she wasn't gone yet. If she were she wouldn't be kissing him right now. She had never imagined it would be so hard to let go. Pain she had known would be there, but she hadn't the ability to let go. She couldn't let go of their marriage, their memories, their dreams, or him. And being in the loft brought back so many memories. This was their home, this was where they fell in love. She just couldn't let go, but she had to. "Jas - Jason, I - I can't do this." She gently pushed herself away, his arms remained at her waist. She watched confusion fill his drowsy, sedated eyes. There was silence for a moment. "You need to sleep." She whispered. He could barley stand, let alone keep his eyes even halfway open, compliments of Shady Brook Sanatarium and their sedatives. "I need you." He told her, pleading with his eyes. She inhaled deeply and looked up at the ceiling, trying her best not to cry. Rubbing her hands over her eyes and pushing her hair off to the sides she slowly turned and walked out of his lose embrace and into the living room area of the loft. She closed the open door and leaned against it, looking at Jason through the box shelves. Jason dragged his legs around the shelves, grabbing every available object as a crutch. Walking along the back of the couch he made his way over to her. How was she supposed to do this. She could tell Jason was letting all walls down. Again, compliments of Shady Brook, and she didn't have much fight left in her. Her family was all she had, and a great amount her family was Jason, how was she supposed to let that go? And she was constantly being reminded that it wasn't going to be easy. Every where she went, there was Jason. Every thought she had, there was Jason. Forget about a Jason-free dream. And the more she tried to get her mind off of him, the harder it was to stop thinking about him. And the more she tried to convince herself that this is what she had to do, the harder it was to remember why it was such a good idea in the first place. "I love you Courtney and you love me too." He reminded her. Pleading evident in his voice. "You know loving you isn't the issue. It never was." Whatever happen to her old belief that love was enough? Love was everything, as long as you have it you can survive anything. Now all her damned beliefs said was that she didn't agree with his job and his decisions. Excluding love completely.  
  
How can you see into my eyes Like open doors? Leading you down into my core Where I've become so numb.  
  
"And this is killing you just as much as it's killing me." His heart was sinking with each second he spent without her, breaking a little more with everytime he saw her and left without her. The world was blurry. His body didn't want to cooperate with his actions, but his feelings were clearer than ever. Maybe it was like what Carly was talking about. Impulses that were just too strong to hide. The love he felt for Courtney was multiplying each second, and he couldn't hide it any longer. His instincts and impulses were taking control. HIs instinct was telling him she belonged with him, and he was standing by that. It was the only thing in the world that made sense anymore. She took another deep breath with a glance to the ceiling and nodded. Killing her? She was already dead and buried. Only he could revive her. If only she would let him. But that wasn't a good idea - was it? She couldn't give in because she couldn't live his life. She could't go halfway in her own marriage. Loving him wouldn't be enough if she were constantly wishing for things to be different. For his life to be different. It's not fair - it's not right. "I never said it didn't hurt Jason. I knew it would. But I can't live your life - I can barely live my own right now." She left Jason to get away from the business. But she could never get away from the business fully, it's in her family, therefor in her life. And it was still affecting her, she was really thrown off when she found out that Brian had been using her, she had really thought he could have been a good friend. Jason was right, yet again. And she had people offering her jobs like Jax. And Faith of all people gave her a job offer. It was like the life was seeking her out. And all she wanted was to get as far away from it as possible, without leaving town, even if it meant leaving Jason.  
  
Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there in me and lead it back home.  
  
Jason started to slouch alittle more towards the ground. His eyelids becoming more dominant than his eyes. She watched him fight to keep his balance. "Jason you need to sleep." "N- no. No - I'm fine." He insisted, his tongue struggling to move. She stepped closer to him and grabbed his upper arms, guiding him backwards to the couch. "No you're not. You're all drugged up. Will you please just sleep?" She pleaded with him pushing him down onto the plush, overly stuffed couch. "If you'll still be here when I get up." He told her, his mumbled words barely audible. Through squinted eyes he saw her nod. He grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her down beside him. She sat indian style next to him while he layed sprawled out on the elongated end.  
  
Wake me up inside, wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
Within minutes Jason was fast asleep, his hand still gently wrapped around her right wrist. She began to think of what her future may hold without Jason it it. Ten, twenty, fifty years from then. But everytime she thought of herself coming home from work, walking into a home, she was greeted with silence. She couldn't imagine any other person in her life. She couldn't get herself to fantasize of her furture dream man. She didn't have one, her dream man was asleep, next to her at this very moment. And her damn morals were getting in the way of her being with him. She could imagine herself in a world of careers and lifestyles. She could imagine the thought of herself growing old, with white hair and wrinkles. But never in the pictures in her mind was she wearing a smile. Was it a psychological thing? She wasn't happy at the moment so she believed she could never find happiness, or did she just know in her heart that there wasn't happiness without Jason. She remembered all the times Jason had declared his love for her... "When I walked out on you, I know that I hurt you. I mean, I could feel it every time that we saw each other. Even when we didn't, I knew that I was hurting you, and I kept on doing it. And I could say that I'm sorry, but that doesn't take the hurt away and I could explain why, but you already know all the reasons. I've tried to stop loving you. I mean - I told myself that the hurt will go away. You know, maybe it will. But the love won't. Not now, not ever. I want you back - and I understand if you say forget it, because I hurt you too much..." She had never been so relieved in her life. She was about to give up, move on. But he came around right on time. She remembered not knowing how she could ever not take him back.  
  
Now that I know what I'm without You can't just leave me Breath into me and make me real Bring me to life.  
  
There was just so much love, there was no other road to travel but the one he was on. But now her perspective was different. She no longer felt she had to follow his road. It was scary, but she had to do what she thought was right. "You know, I was waiting out there, and people kept talking about who ran you down and how bad you're hurt. And they kept saying your name over and over, but it didn't sound real to me. I mean, they weren't talking about you. They were talking about their patient or their sister or their daughter or whatever place that you fill in their lives. You don't just fill something for me. You fill everything. And you're the whole point. Mike said, what if you die?"  
  
"I'm not."  
  
"I know. I yelled. I yelled and I said, "Courtney's not going to die," because you couldn't. Because if you were gone, I would spend the rest of my life looking back, thinking about when I was with you. I'd be mad at myself for not giving you everything that you ever wanted. And wasting all that time in the beginning when I tried to stop myself from falling in love with you because it didn't seem possible. I was only supposed to guard you, and that's what I did. And I - and I thought I didn't want to love. I didn't want someone who means everything to me. I mean, how could I do my job? How could I be everything everyone else needed me to be if - if I needed you? I mean, no person can make you want to live, but that person can make you want to be alive. And that's what you do for me. I don't want to lose you."  
  
She always felt so special when he spoke to her. They way he expressed himself, when he did, was reason enough to fall in love with him. Always so passionate. And here she was, pushing it away. He told her, he poured his heart out to her - he told her that she was everything to him and that he didn't know what he would do without her, and what was she doing now? Leaving him high and dry. She was disappointed in herself for hurting him so much. She was so angry that it turned out like this. She was so sure in the beginning that she could handle anything that came their way. And one thing - ONE decision he made, just completely threw her off. Why was her mind so stuck on it, why couldn't she forgive and forget. Alcazar, kidnapped Carly and then proceeded to stalk her, he kidnapped herself as well. Why would she be so angry about Sonny wanting him gone and Jason not stopping it. She didn't understand it herself, but she couldn't get past this void that was keeping them so far apart.  
  
Wake me up inside, wake me up inside Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
It was kind of ironic how one thing could beat out all the wondeful things Jason and her shared. And she knew this. It was just this one stupid thing had made her look at a bigger picture. A picture that scared her to death. His job no longer seemed exciting, but horrifying. She was afriad at what torment it might bring if one day Jason weren't to come home. Whether he end up in a body bag or in a jail cell, either would just kill her. So she got out while she still could.  
  
Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling. Only you are the life amoung the dead.  
  
She slowly drifted off to sleep after an hour, and woke up after a few. Jason was still asleep, his hand had moved from her wrist to her hand, their fingers entwined. She had never seen him sleep so peacfully. But she had also never seen him sedated before either. Something was different about him tonight. For the past weeks he had accepted her decision, he didn't like it, but he didn't push either. But tonight he was so much more foward. It wasn't bad, it just made it alittle harder to maintain selfcontrol. It must have been the sedatives. Absent mindedly she began playing with the white gold chain around her neck. He fingers soon found the two rings hanging on the end. Her engagement ring and wedding band. It just didn't feel right not having them with her. She wasn't ready to let go of them, she wasn't even ready to let go of him. She was beginning to think she would never be. She let tears well up and fall as she played with the rings, unintentionally grasping Jason's hand alittle tighter each second. Her fist closed around the rings and she held them close her her heart. Closing her eyes she laid her head back against the couch. His eyes slowly opened as his pupils absorbed the light focusing in on the beauty in front of him. He remembered kissing her before he fell asleep, he remembered asking her to stay. And he was glad he did. It was the best feeling, seeing her first thing when he woke up. He was through hiding his feelings and just accepting something he knew was wrong. He was going to fight for what was right. For them.  
  
All of this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there infront of me,  
  
Her hand shook as she grasped his. He watched her lay there with tears falling, holding something in her other hand. He slowly lifted his free hand up and grasped her hand. She jumped and sat upright as he unfolder her fist. A tear dropplet trickled off her chin and onto his thumb as he revealed the two rings. He sat upright and stared at them. She had been wearing them. Not on her finger, but on her neck. The gesture gave him more hope.  
  
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything.  
  
She didn't look at him. She sat there staring at his hand, holding hers, revealing her wedding rings. Symbols of their love. She couldn't look at him. He would read her like a book. He would see her doubts. And it would be a losing battle trying not to crumble into his arms. His fingers left her hand to hold the rings and moved to her chin. He turned her head to face him. Her eyes darted his, but she couldn't. She couldn't NOT look into his eyes. Their gazes met and held eachothers for a few moments as tears continued to spill out of hers. His thumb caressed her cheek as it mopped away the wetness. She opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself. She shuddered a bit and closed her eyes. When she opened them she was caught right back in his gaze. "I - I don't know what I'm doing anymore Jason."  
  
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul Don't let me die here, there must be something more Bring me to life.  
  
He couldn't comfort her. He didn't know what she was doing either. "In my mind it's so easy. It says that if we disagree on something as huge as your life then it can't work... but my- my heart doesn't think so. A part of me still thinks that love is enough. And a part of me wants to believe that I can learn to accept your job, or at least separate it from personal life. But there is still a huge part of me that is just too damn scared to take the risk. And it hurts because I love you so much and I know that I will never be truly happy without you. And a few weeks ago I was so certain that it couldn't work. But lately, I am beginning to realize that it has to work, because if it doesn't - there's nothing. Nothing for me to live for, nothing for me to look forward to. Because I know right now that there is no other man out there for me, no one else will make me as happy as you do. And..." She took a deep breath and smiled widely just now realizing she had already made her desicion, "and - I need you, no questions about it. I need you, everyday I need you... and I don't want to not need you."  
  
Wake me up inside, wake me up insde Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run, before I come undone save me from the nothing I've become.  
  
A grin broke out on his face as he took the rings from her and one by one slid them back on her finger where they belonged. Sticking a hand inside his jacket he pulled his own wedding band out of the inside pocket. After fiddling with it for a split second he held it out to her. She took the ring and put it on his finger as his lips came crashing down on hers. Electric jolts shot through Courtney's blood stream, she was alive again, revived.  
  
- - - - Song credit: Evanescence "Bring me to Life" Transcript Courtesy: Journey Online 


End file.
